


La Destinée

by XWingKC



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Being Lost, F/M, Friendship, Humor, Original Character(s), Romance, Sex, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:22:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29804259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XWingKC/pseuds/XWingKC
Summary: Sam Carter makes a command decision which alters the course of her life, and Jack's. Can they figure out their complicated future?
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 76
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GWhite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GWhite/gifts).



> This has been in the works since November 2020. It is almost completed. I'll be posting one chapter a week until I finish. Then I'll rapidly post them for your reading enjoyment.
> 
> I could not have done this without the woman who resides inside my brain - the lovely GWhite. She keeps me sane, and also told me when I started to go off the rails with this. I cannot thank her enough. I also had support from RhinoHill and TriStarRebel. You may see their fingerprints in this story. And lastly, a huge thank you to Delphine for helping to come up with the title of this story.

I walked into the room, and immediately was surrounded by tiny eyes and hands. Everyone was excited that I finally arrived, even the grown ups. I guess I was their favorite. Or something.

The excitement and yells of “Miss Carter!, Sam!, You’re here!, Miss Sam! YEAH!” always make me feel good about being here. I went over to the volunteer table to check in with Veronica to see what needed to be done tonight. 

“Hey, V, I’m here.” 

“Hi Sam! It’s a crazy night tonight. We are painting or drawing ornaments for the big tree in the entrance way,” Veronica said.

“Nice. What can I do?” 

“If you could sit at the tables with the younger kids and help them with stringing the ribbon through for the hanger, that would be great,” V said.

“Sure thing.”

I smiled at V, then turned to go find a table to sit. 

I’ve been volunteering every place I have been stationed. Giving back to my community is important to me. I take it seriously. I don’t know if I will ever have kids of my own, so I enjoy helping those who need it most. Especially this time of year.

I sat down at a table with three of the younger kids, ages 5-8. This table had different ornament shapes pre-cut from cardstock paper. The kids would make drawings on the paper ornament, or put glitter or put stickers on them. I took a paper punch and punched one hole at the top to string a ribbon through to hang on the tree.

One little girl, Amy, was placing a line of glue on her green tree ornament. She sprinkled red glitter over the glue, and was being very meticulous about the process. I told her to let it dry for a little bit before blowing off the extra glitter. But she lifted her ornament and blew the extra glitter in my face. It was an accident, and I knew it.

I still smiled and laughed loudly with her, and all of the other kids at the table laughed too. Amy’s tree ended up looking like a tree with red garland strung around it.

“You are very good at art, Amy,” I said. The little girl looked at me with big eyes and a smile that went from eye to eye.

“Thank you, Miss Sam. I love to draw and make things.”

“I can see that. OK, let your pretty tree dry, then we can put the ribbon on, OK?”

Amy smiled at me. I brushed some of the red glitter out of her face. We both shared a laugh again as we waited for Amy’s glue to dry.

On my way out for the night, I had asked V about Amy. She and her mom had been at the shelter for three months. The girl’s father used to beat the mother. A friend had helped them get out across town into Heart’s Light. 

“V, Amy is very good at art. Is she in school?” 

“Yes, she is in first grade. Her mom almost has enough money for a deposit on a small apartment. She works at King Soopers as an assistant store manager. She still has to be on the lookout for the ex,” V replied.

“I had...I had no idea. So can Amy get any further education in the arts? I mean, I know she’s still young, but I think she has a lot of talent.” 

“Probably just what she gets at school. We don’t have money for instruction here at the shelter. For any subject. I wish we did. There’s a lot of talented kids here,” V said.

“I wish I could help them all.”

“Ya, me too, Sam. Me too. When will you be back? You are always the highlight of the night when you show up,” V said with a smile.

“Soon. I’ll call when I know my schedule. I do enjoy my time here,” I said smiling. Then I left to go home.

...

As I drove, I wondered about my own life. Would I ever have a child? I had no one in my life to even try right now. I don’t know that I’d ever want to have a child and not be in a relationship with someone. Plus with the job, would it be fair to traipse across the galaxy with the potential to not come back? Without a significant other to care for the child, it is impossible. 

Then there was Jolinar. Janet said the blending, then her death, took a toll on my body. I would always have naquadah in my blood now. They say it may eventually dissipate, but so far after three or so years, it was still there. 

Then there is the overall stress from the job itself. Sometimes I feel like I live off of adrenaline. We never know what we’ll face on the other side of the Gate. I love my job, don’t get me wrong. I have no doubt about that. But I’ll do what I always do, and put thoughts of family on the backburner once again. For now I have my job. 

…

I stopped for groceries on my way home before the stores closed for the night. As I pulled up to my house, my headlights illuminated something on my front lanai. I parked the car, and walked around to the front of my house. 

There were a few presents on the doorstep. I smiled and figured it was the guys who left them there while I was out volunteering at the shelter. I brought the groceries inside, then went back to pick up the presents.

I put all the presents under my small tree, then picked up my phone. I called the Colonel’s house because I knew they guys were over at his house tonight for Christmas Eve. He answered the phone, and I immediately heard the other two yelling my name in the background. I smiled, quietly missing spending the time with them.

‘ _Carter! Merry Christmas!_ ’ he said rather loudly when he answered.

“Hi sir. Merry Christmas.”

‘ _Whatcha doin? You comin’ over? How were the kiddos this week?_ ’ he asked. 

I could hear Daniel talking in the background, telling Jack to ask me how I was doing and to come over. I can imagine Teal’c staring Daniel down and raising an eyebrow.

“The kids were wonderful, sir. There’s a lot of very smart kids there. Very talented artistic kids, too. I just want to help them all, you know?” 

‘ _I wish we could help them all, too. But, perhaps by you helping even one of them, you are changing their future. And since it’s you, their futures would be changed in a very positive way,_ ’ Jack said.

I smiled at his warm sentiment.

“Well, thank you, sir. I hope so too.” 

‘ _So, you coming over, or what?_ ’ he asked.

“No, sir. I’m in for the night. But I will see you all over here tomorrow and we can open presents! So don’t forget mine!” 

‘ _We could never forget you, Carter. You got the ones out front?_ ’ he asked me.

“I did, thank you. I’m gonna go. You all have a great night and I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

‘ _What time, Carter?_ ’

“How about any time after noon?” 

‘ _Sounds good. Good night, Carter. Merry Christmas._ ’

“Merry Christmas, sir. Good night.”

I hung up, and went to my room to change into pajamas. I walked back to the kitchen and made a cup of Sleepy Time Tea. I thought about the time that has passed since the Colonel went missing on Edora. 

I know I had an irrational reaction to how he reacted to seeing me on Edora. He just didn’t understand what I went through to get him back. I pretty much changed the laws of physics to get him back. Then he ignored me, and went into her arms.

I don’t know why I felt the way I did. Maybe a simple ‘thank you’ would have sufficed. I don’t know. I push my feelings down again, and carry on like I always do.

…

I woke up the next day and put on one of my ugly Christmas Sweaters. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I looked rather cute and festive. I wonder what the Colonel would think of me in this sweater. I cringe at my own thoughts. Why would I care what he thinks what I look like?

The sweater had a small argyle print in red and green, overlaid by patches sewn on to make it look like it had missing pieces. The patches were in the shape of ornaments. There were even two actual plastic ornaments hanging on the sweater, strategically placed, of course, that I added on myself. I shook my head at how silly this was, then went to the kitchen to get ready for the guys to come over.

My fridge was full of beer, Sprite, and Diet Coke. The guys were bringing the food. Last year we ended up with only Chinese and pizza. This year, I made a list of things to bring so no one would bring over the same dish. 

I had potato chips and dip in the house. I let them keep Chinese on the list of things to bring, and I added veggies and dip, salad, wings, and chips and salsa. I have no idea what the guys are bringing, but at least this year will be varied.

Daniel and Teal’c arrived first. Daniel carried in the presents and put them under the tree, while Teal’c carried in chicken wings and salad. Teal’c put the food on the kitchen island, then turned to bow at me and wished me great felicitations. I smiled back at him and hugged him.

“Happy Holidays, Teal’c. Thank you for coming.”

Daniel walked back to me and hugged me. I wished him Merry Christmas. He went to the fridge and grabbed a beer for him, and a Sprite for Teal’c. We sat in my living room waiting for Colonel O’Neill to show up.

He arrived about an hour later. Daniel and Teal’c went to help him bring his stuff inside. He had Chinese food and chips and salsa. Daniel rolled his eyes at him, knowing full well that he got the chips and salsa at the place that I loved the most. Teal’c put O’Neill’s presents under the tree.

“Hey, uh, nice sweater, Carter,” he said, not even trying to hold back a sarcastic smile. I noticed him looking at the strategically placed ornaments. 

I smiled back at him, then returned to what I was doing. I felt myself flush at the attention he was giving my sweater.

The Colonel grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and the four of us started grazing on the food. We stood around the food on the island. I stood directly in front of the chips and salsa, of course. We talked and joked, ate too much food, and smiled and laughed with each other. I was having such a good time with them. They really are my family.

After grazing for a while, we opened presents. It was a crazy, mad, free for all with no order to the chaos of paper flying around the room. 

We all sat around relaxing and talking again. Then I got up off of the couch and went towards the kitchen to get refills. The Colonel joined me. We brushed past each other, and the Colonel stopped me by gently touching my arm.

“Hey, Carter. What’s all this?” he asked so softly. His voice is so, I don’t know, comforting, when it’s so low and soft. It hits me where it should not.

He ran his fingers through my hair. His long, strong fingers came out of my hair with red glitter on them. His fingers felt like fire.

“Oh,” I said, a bit bashful, “the kids and I made ornaments the other day. Some of them were using glitter. I got some in my hair, and I swear that stuff never comes out,” I said, smiling up at him.

“Freeze!” Daniel yelled to everyone. 

He walked up to me and Jack and pointed to the ceiling. 

The Colonel and I looked up. Someone had put mistletoe on my ceiling.

“Oh, no Daniel. I don’t think so,” I said, trying to get out of the way. Jack still had a gentle hand on my arm.

“Carter, it’s just a kiss,” Jack said, putting his other hand on my cheek.

He leaned in and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

But once his warm, soft lips hit my cheek, I froze. I flushed a million shades of red. I was a little pissed. I pulled back away from his lips a few seconds later, and moved away from his warm hand on my arm.

I was conflicted. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to stop. I wanted the Earth to swallow me up. What was happening?

“Um, I’m sorry. You, I, uh, shouldn’t have, I need to go pee,” I said, then quickly left the room. 

That’s when I knew. I could no longer deny my feelings for him. Dammit.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter piggy-backs off of the first and sets the tone a little more. I hope it keeps you intrigued for the next week!

I went to my bedroom to try to barricade myself inside. I did have to pee, so I did do that. Then I just sat on my bed going over what in the world just happened.

' _Did no one hear me say no? Why would he do that to me in the first place? Of all people, him? Is he having a hard time, too?_ ’ I asked myself.

I let out a low, frustrated growl. I could hear the guys talking but couldn’t hear what they were saying. I really didn’t want to go back out there. After about ten minutes, there was a gentle knock on my bedroom door.

“Carter. You OK?”

It was him.

“I’m fine.”

“Can I come in?” he asked.

He’d only ever been in my room when I was sick. He’d bring me homemade or canned chicken noodle soup and some Nyquil if I needed it. I quietly got up from the bed and opened the door.

“I’m sorry,” he said the moment I opened the door.

“What were you thinking? Did you not hear me say ‘no’?”

He knew I was right. He pushed a limit he had no business pushing.

“You’re right. I should not have done that.” He ran one hand through his hair. “I am sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” 

He raised his shoulders and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. This was him thinking and trying to figure out what to say. And why do I know that about him?

“You’re just so… and the mistletoe...Christ. I’m making this worse. I’ll go.”

I watched him turn and walk back to the bedroom door. I watched his hand reach for the knob. No. Not yet. Should we talk about this? Am I ready to just let him walk out of here?

“Sir, wait,” I said softly, but quickly enough to make him pause. 

OK, he stopped. Now what? Crap. Now I have to say something. It’s now or never. ‘Come on, Sam, you can do this,’ I urged myself on. Why was I so nervous? I worried my hands in front of me, and my eyes flicked from him, to the floor, to the walls, then back to him.

“Why did you ignore me on Edora?” I asked softly and nervously.

He stared at me. I saw him blink his eyes a few times.

“Carter, I don’t know what you mean,” he said honestly.

I huffed and rolled my eyes a little bit at him.

“Sir, you saw us and walked right past us. You didn’t thank us. You didn’t thank me. No one left behind, right?” I said, getting agitated.

He inhaled and ran a hand through his hair. He kept his eyes on me, and paused before he spoke. Why did I start this? It’s really none of my business. 

“Ya, no one left behind. I don’t know, Carter. I did want to go home. The whole time I was there I wanted to come home, to Earth.”

“You seemed to have gotten quite cozy,” I mumbled loud enough for him to hear. Crap. I shouldn’t have said that. I lowered my eyes.

“Excuse me?” he said rather loudly, “That’s none of your business. I didn’t think I was coming home, Carter. I had no contact with anyone outside of that planet. No ships came. The Gate was buried. I got drunk one night with a manipulative woman. You expect me to live my life celibate without you?” 

My eyes shot to his eyes when he said that. I already had tears in my eyes from my bad judgement, and his words stung even more. Celibate without me? Where’d that come from? 

“That came out wrong. Carter, I’m sorry I kissed you without your permission. I hope we can move forward from this one day,” he said, softer than the last time he spoke.

“No, it’s my fault. I’m sorry, too. I never should have pried into your personal life like that. I think it’s time for you guys to go home,” 

He was right. He had no way to communicate with anyone. He was alone and forced to think of living the rest of his life there. I looked up at him again with watery eyes.

“Right,” he said, then turned to walk out of my bedroom. 

I could hear him when he got to my living room.

“Time to go, guys. Let’s help clean up, then let’s get moving,” he said.

“Is everything OK?” Daniel asked.

“No, it’s not OK.” 

I could hear them start to pick up the wrapping paper and other rubbish around the room. I stood in the doorway of my bedroom going over the conversation I just had. He wanted to leave Edora and had no way to do so. I was his only hope. And I just threw it back in his face. I wiped a tear or two from my cheek before I got the courage to go back out into the main area of my house.

When I went back out, the guys were almost done cleaning up. Daniel in the kitchen. Jack was outside taking the trash out, and Teal’c was bringing things back downstairs. 

Daniel slowly walked to me. He tried to get me to look at him, but I just folded my arms in front of me and looked at his chest.

“Sam, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” he said.

“You of all people know what I went through when he was gone. How could you?” 

“I know. I got carried away in the moment. I was wrong. I’m sorry,” he said again.

I finally looked at him. I could tell he was serious. I let out a deep breath, then leaned in to hug him.

“Thank you. I’ll see you guys next week,” she said.

Teal’c came back upstairs as Jack came in the back door. I thanked T, and gave him a hug.

I stood at my kitchen island. Daniel went to get their coats from my guest room. He gave the coats to Jack and Teal’c, and then put his own coat on.

Teal’c bowed to me, and wished me happy felicitations again. Daniel wished me a Merry Christmas again. Jack looked at me, and I looked back at him. There was something in his eyes that made me quickly avert my eyes to the floor.

“Good night, sir. Merry Christmas,” I said softly.

“Good night, Major,” he said softly, “Merry Christmas. I am sorry.”

After the guys left, I locked my door, and sat down on my couch. I let the tears fall. What is happening to me? I think deep down I know. But my mind has a way of protecting itself. I can reign this in. I’m sure that I can. Right?

~~~~ Jack ~~~~

I drove home thinking of nothing but what I did tonight. Of what I did wrong tonight. I forced something intimate on a coworker. Not just a coworker. It was Carter. Someone who I trust with my own life. I hope she still trusts me. 

How could I let myself get carried away like that? I won’t dispute any charges she might try to file against me. I’d deserve that. 

And Edora. Why’d she bring that up? What did I do wrong there? Jesus, Jack. You can’t do anything right tonight. It’s none of her business who I sleep with. Where’d that even come from? It’s not like me and Carter would ever...

Shit. That’s it, isn’t it. Has she become more than a coworker? Maybe I would like more with her? Maybe she wants more from me? 

I parked my car at home, and went straight for the kitchen to grab a beer. I stood and stared out my kitchen window into the darkness of my backyard. 

More questions coursed through my mind. Could she have more feelings for me that I am not aware of? Hell, do I have more feelings for her that I’m not admitting to? And why? And also I need to buy more eggs. Ah. Now I can’t even think straight.

“How do I fix this?” I asked my reflection in the window.

I sighed, then took a swig of beer before turning to go into my living room. I sat on my couch and turned the TV on. Perfect. The Simpsons.

“Excellent,” I said out loud to no one in his best Mr. Burns voice. Then I sat back and tried to stop thinking about Carter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is for Kathie :) Fridays will be the days that I post new chapters. I hope you enjoy this to keep coming back. So far I have a total of 26 chapters, and it may go past my estimate of 30.

Chapter 3

~~~~ Sam ~~~~

We had an entire week of not going off world. I spent most of my time at work in my lab. I didn’t meet up with the guys for lunch. I saw Teal’c at night, but only because he lived there and came by to visit me when he knew I was there.

I did get to volunteer twice this week. Once at Heart’s Light, where I was still a crowd favorite. The other was at a local elementary school, where kids needed help with math and science to prep for a science fair. 

One little girl in particular caught my attention. Sheila was nine years old, and I could tell she had a grasp on mathematics. She could do simple fractions and division in her head. She understood percentages and decimals with ease. 

I had an idea. As I sat with Sheila and wrote this down:

**2x + 3 = 7**

I asked her if she understood this.

“Can you figure out what number ‘x’ would be?” I asked.

Sheila stared at it for a few minutes, trying to figure it out. 

“No. Maybe? Show me,” Sheila said. 

I explained that the goal was to get the x by itself. I showed her how to subtract the 3 from both sides. Sheila’s eyes went wide with understanding. Sheila took the pencil out of my hand, and finished the equation.

“Two! Can you show me more?” Sheila asked. I was floored. She understood. I was so proud of her at that moment. 

“I think we need to finish your project first. I can talk to your teacher if you like. Maybe your mom would like to know you can do this type of math, too,” I said, looking around the room for the teacher. “Finish what you are working on for your project. I’ll be back.”

I found Sheila’s teacher and told her about how gifted Sheila was. I showed the teacher the equation that Sheila finished. I was told that the school and her mom know how smart she is, but the mom doesn’t have money to send her to a private or charter school.

“Aren’t there advanced classes here she can take? There is a little girl at the shelter that I volunteer at who is very gifted at art. Her mom can’t afford it either. How do you teachers do this day in and day out? I wish I could help them all. ”

“It’s not easy sometimes. But we do the best we can for the kids who will listen. Sometimes the gifted kids get ignored because we have to focus on the rowdy kids and the troublemakers. We also end up spending a lot of our own money on classroom supplies. I do understand, Sam. But, just you being here will make a difference in their lives. Thank you for the time you spend with them,” the teacher replied.

I didn’t know what else to say. I smiled at her, then walked back to check on Sheila. Then I made another loop around the room checking in on the other kids before the evening ended and the parents took the kids home.

…

The weeks turned into months, and I was comfortable around the Colonel again. We all were making jokes with each other, going to lunch again, and hanging out at work when we had a lull in activities. 

SG-1 settled back into a comfortable routine. The off-world missions were not weird and uncomfortable. Everything seemed to be back to normal. Until the Tok’ra showed up with armbands that they needed human specimens for to test them.

It all seemed so benign. The increased strength. The desire to ignore orders. The desire for each other.

The discussion about eating steak at O’Malley’s had me thinking of another type of meat I wanted to eat. ‘What the hell, Sam?’ I screamed internally to myself. 

I could feel him watching me play pool with other men. I could see it sent him into a defensive mode. I have never seen him like that before. And if he had been like that in the past, perhaps it was just me who never noticed. Afterall, I can take care of myself. 

I had to go pee, and I guess I took too long in the restroom at O’Malley’s. When I came out, he moved quickly to pin me against the wall. These armbands made me want him. All of him.

I arched my back into him like I was sex-deprived. I felt him put his thigh between my legs. Oh my god, that feels good. I rubbed my heat against his thigh.

“I know you want it,” I whispered in his ear, and pressed my breasts into his chest. What the hell am I doing?

I quickly moved away from him to resume playing pool with strangers. 

When we returned to base after being kicked out of O’Malley’s, we got a little scolding from General Hammond. OK, not so little. We deserved it. We got more medical checks from Anise and Janet.

Then the three of us with the armbands broke out of the SGC to go on the mission to stop Apophis’s ship. We incapacitated our own people to take control of the Stargate. We were not thinking straight. But the need to stop Apophis was greater than any punishment we would get when we came back. If we came back.

The next thing I knew, I woke up on the floor of the ship, dazed and confused. My arm band was off. I did an internal check to make sure I was OK. Then she saw the Colonel unconscious. 

His arm band was off, too. And he was on the other side of a force shield.

“Crap,” I said out loud. 

I finally got him awake. He noticed our situation and immediately tried to get me out of there.  
After watching him try and fail to get me out, and after telling him there was no more time left for him to get out of there, I had enough.

“Sir, just go!”

He stood up and I watched something primal come up from his gut. He yelled at me through the force shield.

“No!”

His eyes flashed at me. I saw panic, desperation, fear, and something more. I saw the moment in time when he realized how he really feels about me. His look and his voice hit me like a staff blast even through the force shield.

His voice penetrated my skin. His eyes pierced my soul. I was going to die, and he was not going to leave me. He would die with me, or watch me die. Either way, he would not leave me alone.

We spent a few moments staring at each other in silence, separated only by energy. Our eyes said everything we could not. Time seemed frozen. 

Then the ship shook, and time seemed to propel us forward, even without the arm bands.

The next thing I knew, we were stepping through the Stargate and back at the SGC.

…

After getting scolded again by Hammond, and then cleared by medical, I went home. I took a very hot shower, trying to wash away the feel of him on my skin. It wasn’t working. 

I tried to forget the way his eyes looked when he stared at me on that ship. I tried to forget the sound of his voice, and how my skin could feel him through that shield. I pulled on my hair to break my train of thought. I finished up in the shower, and got ready for bed.

I went into the kitchen and found leftover lasagna and Diet Coke to eat. I really need to go shopping.

I put the lasagna in the microwave, and popped the tab on the Diet Coke. I took that first sip and winced at the taste as it clashed with the still-present taste of toothpaste in my mouth. Then I heard a light knock on her door.

I put the can down and padded my way to the door. I looked out the window. He was standing in front of my door.

I inhaled deeply. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face him yet.

But I slowly opened the door anyway. I didn’t open it all the way, so I peeked out at him through the semi-opened door.

Our eyes met, and it felt as if we were back on Apophis’ ship, separated by that damn shield. 

My heart quickened. I gave him a small smile. Then I felt the tears start to form.

He let out a sigh, and looked at me like he was also trying to figure this out. It’s like he wanted me to know how he felt. So I opened the door a little more, and motioned with my head for him to come inside. 

I moved back to give him room to come inside. And he did. 

He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He turned to me, and watched me wiping tears from my eyes.

He walked up to me and put a hand on my cheek. He wiped away a tear with his thumb. I closed my eyes and let my head sink into his hand. What is happening?

“Carter,” he whispered.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were almost black in the dim light of my front room. I felt more tears fall from my eyes. He never took his eyes off of me. 

I put my hand on his cheek, and stepped closer to him. I didn’t care what I looked like right now. The look of longing from him was too much for me. Then something inside of me took over.

“Sir,” I whispered, and pulled his lips onto mine.

Oh he felt so right. He felt so good. He felt like we fit together, like my missing puzzle piece.

I felt his arms wrap behind me, and down my back as he deepened our kiss. I fell into his body and felt him grab my butt and pull me into him. I could taste him. Then I heard the microwave ding in the kitchen.

I opened my eyes and stopped kissing him. I felt my eyes go wide in surprise.

“No. No, I’m sorry. Oh, god, sir, no. I’m so sorry. I can’t. I shouldn’t have…” 

I couldn't even form whole sentences. He is that good.

He still had his arms around me, and took a small step back away from my body.

“Shit, Carter, I’m sorry. I should go. I didn’t mean. I’m sorry,” he mumbled out. 

Neither one of us moved. Then he slowly let go of me, and started for the door. He turned around to see me staring back at him.

“I’m sorry. This won’t happen again,” he said softly. He exhaled loudly and left me alone in my house.

I stood at the door for about five minutes, letting the tears fall from my eyes. I sunk to the floor with my back against my door and sat, letting my thoughts run through me. I think I love him. I know now that is my truth. I don’t know if he loves me. At least he likes me enough to want to kiss me. 

“What am I doing?”

I got up, and made my way to the kitchen to grab the leftovers and a Diet Coke. I ate my meal alone. Alone again. In my quiet home. Alone with the memories of how he felt and tasted on my skin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Jack deal with....things.

~~~~ Sam ~~~~ 

He said it wouldn’t happen again. I thought I wouldn’t do anything, either. But now I know that there is something between us. 

I am uncomfortable with my feelings for him. Sometimes. And then Anise showed up again. I was even more uncomfortable, and I did the only thing I knew how to do. I pushed him away.

We were forced to admit how we felt about each other. Anise had some fancy device to test people to see if they were a Za’tarc or not. Her experimental treatment killed Lt Astor. More like it forced Astor to take her own life. 

He admitted that he cares about me. I had to admit the same thing about him. When it was over, I told him that none of this had to leave that room. I could tell he wasn’t sure about that. He didn’t want this. But it was the only way I could suppress what my heart felt. 

“And we’re OK with that?” he asked me, motioning between us with his hands. And I pushed back like I always do.

“Yes, sir,” I said, looking him in the eyes. He was anything but OK with my decision.

Then I was forced to kill Martouf. He had begged me to kill him. I will never forget the look on his face as he spoke my name, asking me - no begging me - to kill him. I held his still body and cried until someone came to remove his body. I don’t know what they did with him, but I’d imagine Anise took him for an autopsy. 

I went home that night numb. I sat down in the shower and cried. I just let the hot water flow over me. I watched the replay in my mind of killing him over and over. This job has some crazy stressful things happen.

I eventually got up and turned off the water. I dried off and got ready for bed. I realized I had a headache. I found some headache medicine with a sleep aid in it. I went to my kitchen and got a glass of water and swallowed down the medicine. Then I went straight to bed.

I cried myself to sleep. For once, I was glad he did not come over.

…

Another few weeks passed and things seemed to be pretty good between all of us. Daniel was pestering me like any brother would, Teal’c continued to observe all three of us, and the Colonel was stopping by my lab again to make sure I ate and went home on time.

Then we got caught in the time loop. I never found out what took place during the loops. Only Teal’c and the Colonel knew. And neither one of them were talking. The look on the Colonel’s face when Daniel asked what he did told me that something did happen. I instinctively knew that I was involved. 

I often let my mind wander to imagine what did happen. Some nights I would take it farther and allow myself relief while thinking of him. I don’t mind a little self service. It helps.

When we went to the ice planet and got our minds stamped, something had changed between me and the Colonel. I tried to regain some decorum between us when we got home. I had gotten so comfortable as Thera. And he was my Jonah. I didn’t quite know how to come back from this. 

I didn’t sleep with him. But we had kissed. A lot of kissing. And it felt natural and good. I had to call him ‘sir’ in Brenna’s office. I couldn’t go back home as Thera and Jonah. 

No more kissing. No more us. But this time, I couldn’t let go. No, more like I wouldn’t let go.

~~~~ Jack ~~~~

I couldn’t wash the grime off fast enough. There was no way to wash her off of me. This time was different. I didn’t want to go back to the way things were, or really, the way things are. I didn’t want to leave anything else in that damn room. I wanted to retire and give it all up for her. 

But she called me ‘sir’ again. What does she want? Does she want to go back to how things were before? My mind kept pulling me back to Thera and Jonah. Jonah was free with Thera. Jonah didn’t have to hide with Thera.

I got out of the shower and put on shorts. I grabbed a t-shirt and put it on over my wet hair. I was toweling off my wet hair when I heard a knock on my door. Everyone knew I didn’t lock my door, so it couldn't have been anyone on my team. 

I still had the towel in my hand when I opened the door. She was at my door, also looking like she just stepped out of the shower. I opened the door for her to come in. 

I let my shoulders slump, and the towel draped down over my clenched fist. I looked into her eyes. I saw in her eyes what I felt.

“Hi. I, uh,” she started.

I motioned for us to walk into my living room. I draped the towel over one of my chairs, and I sat down on the couch next to her.

“You OK?” I asked softly.

She looked at me, and her eyes watered.

“No. No, I’m not OK,” she said despondently. “I didn’t even know I was coming here until I was half way here.”

She ran her fingers through her hair, then wiped her face.

“It’s like I can’t stop being her,” she said, tears falling down her rosy cheeks.

“I know,” I said so softly that I don’t think she actually heard me.

We looked at each other and saw the two people we once were. Jonah looked into Thera’s eyes. We both were feeling feelings that could no longer be contained. 

“C’mere,” I said, and pulled her into my side and held her.

She curled up into me and cried. All of the memories of Thera came back. Laying her head on my shoulder, her holding my hand, laying her head in my lap. Kissing me. She wanted Thera and Jonah back.

“I can’t do this anymore, sir,” she said softly.

“I know. Me neither.”

I held her like that for a long time. I could feel her body tremble as she cried on me. She let me caress her arm and shoulder. This moment felt as intimate and as special as it did when we were them. I eventually felt her breathing return to normal.

We sat cuddled together in a comfortable silence as the sky turned dark.

“You hungry?” I asked her softly, her hair tickling my lips.

“A little,” she whispered.

“I can order something.”

She nodded her head, then lifted her body away from my side. I immediately felt the loss of being apart from her warmth. But, I got up and went to the kitchen. I ordered a pizza then returned to my living room.

She was standing by the large windows, staring out into the dark backyard. I just stood on the floor below the step that goes down into my living room. I watched her, and I was certain she could see my reflection in the glass. I didn’t move until the pizza came. Neither one of us said anything. 

We sat in silence as we ate the pizza. She sat on the couch, I sat in one of the chairs on the other side of the coffee table from her. We exchanged glances as we ate. I turned on the TV to break up the heaviness in the air. 

She got up and put her plate and cup in the kitchen. She didn’t come back to the living room. I heard her car keys jingle, then heard the door open. She left through my front door and went home.

I leaned back in my chair and tilted my head back. I heard her car start, and watched the reflection of the headlights in the windows and trees of my yard. I ran my hands over my eyes and exhaled deeply.

We both were in way over their heads. 

~~~~ Sam ~~~~

The newly built death glider took off with a mind of its own. I knew that we may not make it to them in time. But I had to try. And my dad was super pissed when Daniel and I went looking for the Tok’ra. Thankfully it was my dad. We got both Teal’c and the Colonel back. They’d both be just fine. 

On the short return trip to Earth, I sat in the back with my thoughts as the guys all talked amongst themselves about the Recall Device. I could hear Teal’c offering his apologies, and I heard the Colonel reply to not be silly because it wasn’t Teal’c’s fault. 

But my mind was on my own reaction to realizing I may never see Teal’c again. I laughed at myself because I knew deep down that it was the Colonel I was more worried about. Sure, I’d miss Teal’c. But I wasn’t in love with Teal’c.

“Ah, Crap,” I said out loud. This was the first time I have allowed myself to admit it, out loud, if to no one else but me. I have thought about it before, but never allowed it to take hold. I kept suppressing it, and ignoring it. I can’t do that anymore.

“I am in love with Colonel Jack O’Neill.” 

There. I said it. ‘You happy now, Sam?’ I said to myself.

…

My dad cloaked the Tel’tak and flew down through the atmosphere to park in a hangar at Peterson. We all got out of the ship and got a ride back to the Mountain. Us humans all stopped on Level 21 to get checked out by medical. 

My dad continued down to 27 to go talk to Hammond. By now we knew Selmak would take care of pretty much any virus or bacteria dad might have come into contact with. And it’s not like dad could get snaked again. So dad gets a free pass from medical. Lucky dog.

I was still quiet, catching glances every now and then from the Colonel. I only made conversation about work or the mission. I was checked out of medical first, then Daniel. Teal’c and the Colonel had more tests to run. I got up to leave, and the Colonel stopped me.

“Hey, Carter,” he said, motioning me over to him with a nod of his head. I slowly walked over to the exam bed he was sitting on.

“Yes, sir?” 

“Thank you. I, uh, me and Teal’c would have,” and he stopped talking.

“I know, sir. It’s why I went. I’m glad you are both OK,” I said with a small smile.

“Why don’t we all come to my house for dinner tonight? Bring dad,” he said.

I wasn’t expecting that, but my insides got excited at the thought of being around him again. I smiled at him again. A real smile, not one of the forced ones I seemed to have been giving.

“Um, sure. I was just going to go find him. I’ll let him and Daniel know.”

…

I went home with my dad to get ready for the evening at Colonel O’Neill’s. My dad would stay the night with me and return to his Tel’tak tomorrow and return to Tok’ra space. For now, he’d enjoy a few hours with me and my friends. I wish he could stay longer when he comes back to Earth.

He was waiting in my living room when I came out of my bedroom. I decided to wear jeans, a tank top, a denim jacket, and black boots with a small heel. I did my hair, and put on a little makeup. 

My dad stood to face me. Dad looked me over and let out a sigh. It looked to me like Selmak and my dad were having a conversation. I just stood and stared, and may have rolled my eyes.

~~~~ Jacob and Selmak ~~~~

‘ _Jacob, let it go. She is a grown woman who can make her own decisions,_ ’ Selmak said

‘ _You still don’t understand. He is her boss,_ ’ Jacob reminded her.

‘ _Nevertheless, it is up to her how to conduct her life. If you push her, you may lose her._ ’

‘ _I can’t just sit here and let her ruin her life._ ’

‘ _Jacob, how many other people in your military, on your planet, for that matter, have relationships that someone else has deemed inappropriate? And how many turn out just fine?_ ’ Selmak asked.

He answered her with an internal guffaw. 

‘ _I’m going to say something._ ’

‘ _Don’t say I didn’t warn you,’_ Selmak said.

__~~~ Sam ~~~~_ _

__“Ah, come on Sam, what are you doing?” dad asked me, a little perturbed._ _

__“What are you talking about?” I asked him, a bit on the offense. I kind of knew where he was going._ _

__“I see the way you look at him. I see how he looks at you. You are playing with fire, Sam.”_ _

__“First of all, nothing is going on. Second of all, even if it were going on, what business is it of yours?”_ _

__“See. Right there. Look, kiddo, I know you care for him. It’s obvious. Small units like yours tend to create bonds between people that can go beyond family. I don’t want you getting hurt.”_ _

__“Dad, I’m fine. It’s just. Complicated. That’s all. There’s nothing going on between us,” I tried to reassure him._ _

__My thoughts traveled back to the kiss I shared with Jack. I closed my eyes and held in my emotions._ _

__My dad watched me, then shrugged his shoulders and let out a long breath. He put his hands on my upper arms and held me at arm length._ _

__“Sam. He is a good man. He watches out for you and the others. If things were different, there would be no problem. Just be careful. Protect your heart, Sammie. I know you. Once you are in something, you go all in.”_ _

__“I’m fine dad. Really. I’m OK,” I said, wondering if I was trying to convince myself or my dad._ _

__Dad just stared at me for a moment or two._ _

__“Alright. Then let’s go,” he said._ _

__Dad was quiet the whole ride over. I had a feeling he talked to Selmak the whole way over, probably discussing his hope that his daughter wouldn’t slip and fall into bed with her boss._ _


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My heart still hurts this morning after the news about Cliff Simon. I am going to dedicated this chapter, and the rest of the story, to him. And no, Ba'al will not show up in this story. But, Cliff did tell us in a group Zoom call that he has read fanfic, and a naughty one or two. I will miss him. He was so kind, and so good to his fans. Life is far too short. Don't live your life in hate and anger. Learn to love. Learn to forgive - sometimes forgiveness if for you more than the other person. I love you, Cliff. I hope this chapter is making you blush wherever you are now.

~~~~ Sam ~~~~

Dad and I arrived at Jack’s house a little later than the others for dinner. We stopped to pick up beer, soda, and wine on the way. The door was open, as usual, so we walked on in and made our way to the kitchen.

We could hear voices in the living room through the open dining room. I put the beer and soda in the fridge, and left the red wine on the counter. The guys had already put the food out buffet style in the dining room. Chinese and Olive Garden were the choices of the night. An interesting combination. But, kind of normal for the four of us.

My dad walked into the living room. Colonel O’Neill greeted him with a handshake, and my dad stared him down. Jesus I hope these two don’t argue. 

“Come on in, Jacob. Did Sam come with you?” Jack asked my dad. I was just behind dad stepping down the few steps to the living room.

“Yes, I am here. Hi everyone,” I said, walking into the living room.

Jack smiled at me, and I saw my dad take note of that. Then dad turned his head to me and rolled his eyes. I gave him a death look. It was a warning shot for him. I can imagine Selmak laughing at him. But then dad smiled at me and relaxed. Just a little.

Daniel, Teal’c, and Jacob discussed some of dad and Selmak’s journeys through the galaxy. I heard Selmak telling stories, and she answered questions freely. I liked hearing the guys interacting with my dad and Selmak. 

Colonel O’Neill was sitting in a chair across from me, and I was on the couch with my dad. I spent a lot of time tonight sharing looks with the Colonel. More than I have in the past. My mind flashed back to Thera.

I got up to go get some food and clear my mind. But the Colonel got up a few moments later to follow me. I had a plate in my hand, and I went to the kitchen to grab a Diet Coke. I returned to the dining room to find the Colonel standing at the table.

I put some spaghetti on my plate, and grabbed a breadstick. Or two. Maybe a third. I smiled at him.

“You doing OK?” he asked me.

“I am. I had an interesting conversation with my dad before we came over,” I told him.

“Really? What about?”

I thought about telling him, but I figured it would just make whatever this is even more uncomfortable.

“That is a conversation for a different place and time. What about you? Got any plans next week after we get back?”

“I was thinking of going to my cabin. I was wondering if you’d like to join me?” he asked. 

I locked eyes with him. My stomach dropped. I knew what would happen if I went to the cabin with him. And yet my body burned with anticipation. But it was my nerves that won the debate.

“Can I think about it and let you know after we get back?”

“Of course. No pressure,” he said. 

“Thank you, sir. I’m just going to go,” I said, motioning with my head and hands in the direction of the living room.

“Yes, yes, please,” he said. 

He got himself a plate full of Chinese and returned to the living room with food and beer.

The rest of the evening was spent laughing and having a good time. My dad started to tell stories about me growing up. All of the guys were asking more and more questions. Even Teal’c got in on the questions about the young SamathaCarter.

I knew it was all in good fun, and I was actually enjoying being the butt of so many jokes and stories from my dad. I had almost lost him to cancer. Thanks to my job, he is alive, sitting in Colonel O’Neil’s living room, telling everyone about what it was like having me as his daughter.

We all heard the phone ring. The Colonel got up to answer it. He came back a short moment later.

“Hey, Jacob. That was the SGC. Apparently, the Tok’ra need you back. Now,” he said.

“Figures. Perfect timing. I guess I better get moving,” dad said.

“Did you get enough to eat, dad?”

“I did, kiddo. Selmak isn’t a fan of a lot of Earth food, but the breadsticks from Olive Garden are one of his favorites. We had seven,” he added. Everyone laughed, including Selmak we were told.

“I’ll drive you and Teal’c back. I need to go to bed anyways,” Daniel said.

“You sure? I can take my dad,” I said.

“Really, it’s OK. I had a good night. I’m stuffed,” Daniel said, walking over to hug me. 

My dad walked up to me after Daniel let me go.

“Remember what we talked about. I love you. I will see you when I can,” dad said, hugging and kissing me goodbye.

“Goodbye, dad. Thank you for coming. I love you.” 

I let go of him, and he left with Daniel and Teal’c.

The Colonel walked the three of them to the door and said goodnight. He shut his door, and locked it this time. That was odd. He found me cleaning up the food in the dining room.

“That was nice to see dad,” Jack said.

“Always,” I said, smiling at him. “I’ll clean up in here if you want to grab stuff from the living room.”

“OK, thanks. Be right back,” he said, and went to the living room to gather up trash and dishes. 

I packed up all the food in containers. We were leaving on a mission the next day. After team nights when we had a mission the next day, we always would drop off the leftover food for the homeless people on the streets. At least the food didn’t go to waste that way.

I had started washing the dishes that couldn’t go into the dishwasher when the Colonel brought in the rest of the items. We talked and laughed, and even flirted as I washed the dishes. He grabbed a towel and helped dry. 

I could feel him moving his body closer to mine. I was still laughing and having a good time with him. This felt very comfortable.

Then his hand touched my arm as we both reached for the same glass. I froze as I felt the pads of his fingers touch my skin. I inhaled at the sensation, and I felt heat flood my body. I turned my head to find him looking at his hand that was still on my forearm. He began to caress my skin, and he turned his head to look at me.

Our eyes met. I didn’t turn away. I looked from one of his eyes to the other, then to his temple, to the ear that I could almost see, down his cheekbone to his chin, and fixated on his lips.

I felt his fingers on my skin, and I didn’t want his fingers anywhere else but on me. I looked at him, and felt his hesitation. But when my eyes met his again, we both froze.

I can’t deny this any longer, and yet, I don’t know how this will work. Maybe we both just need to get this out of our system. You know, blow off some steam. But that wouldn’t be fair because what if we both felt the same about each other. He’d never be “just a fling” to me.

“Sir, I should...oh” but I couldn't finish my words. 

He took a step closer to me, which I thought was impossible, and yet there he was almost pressed up against my chest. 

“Jack,” he whispered.

I could feel his breath on my nose and on my cheek. He smelled of beer and sweet and sour chicken. I wanted to taste him.

“What?” was the only thing that came out of me.

“My name is Jack,” he whispered again. My nerves got the best of me.

“Actually, your name is Jonathan, you only go by,” and then he pressed his lips lightly against mine. 

My eyes were still open, and I looked at him as he kissed me. His lips are on mine, and he is kissing me. Everything in me wanted to feel him on me, over me, inside of me. He pulled back to look at me again.

His eyes were dark and pierced me down to where my desire pooled. 

“Jack,” I whispered in reply as an answer to which I didn't even know the question.

He held my eyes as I shimmied my way out of my jacket, and let it fall to the floor. I placed my hand behind his neck, and my fingertips found the short hair on the back of his head. The sensation of finally touching him coursed through my body. And this was just the back of his head.

I raised myself up the short distance to his lips, and kissed him like I have wanted to kiss him all these years. I felt his hands hold me, and he pulled me by my lower back into him. 

I felt a hand go beneath the waist of my jeans, and a warm hand grabbed my ass. I pressed into him as his other hand went under my tank top, and untucked it. I felt his palm brand my lower back as I felt him press himself into me. Oh god.

All of these new sensations ripping through me to my core. Then he stopped. He pulled back to look at me again. His face softened, and he continued to caress my back with his hand.

I touched his cheek with my fingers, and he moved his head to kiss my hand. I nodded my head. He took me by the hand and we walked to his bedroom.

We spoke no words. Our hands removed clothing, and our bodies touched, igniting fires that have been smoldering for years. He looked at me fully naked in front of him. The look he was giving me said everything I needed to know.

He laid me down on his bed and touched me in places I have only dreamed of him touching. His hands are strong enough to kill, yet gentle enough to feel his love behind each tender touch. His fingers are so long. They found my inner thigh, and burned a path up to where I needed his touch the most.

His mouth found places on my body that made me arch up and want for more. His tongue played my body like an instrument, not missing a beat, not playing off key. My lips need his, and I let my tongue touch his, and our bodies danced together, pressed close.

His fingers danced between my legs until my body sang the last note. I shook as he curled his fingers inside of me. I could feel him trying to map out the inside of my body. When I was settling after my orgasm, he removed his fingers from me, and traced a wet line from my hip to my breast. 

His mouth met his fingers at my nipple. I watched as he licked his fingers as they gently pinched my nipple. This man already knows my body.

He removed what was left of his clothes. I opened my legs and welcomed him to climb on me. He looked at me, spread wide for him on his bed. I bit my bottom lip as he watched me put one hand on my breast, and my other between my legs. Oh I am ready for what’s coming next.

He never took his eyes off of me as he slowly laid down on top of me. 

He is heavy, but I need to feel his skin against me. He brushed hair away from my face, and leaned in to kiss me again. I finally felt his skin against mine. His chest hairs rubbed my breasts and tickled my nipples. He reached a hand again for my breast, and played with my nipple. I don’t want this feeling to end.

I raised my hips in response to his touch on my breast. I felt his tip touch my entrance, and I held my breath. His eyes shot up to mine and questioned if I am OK.

I slowly let my hips back down onto the bed. I continued to look him in the eyes. If we do this, there is no going back. I want him to know it’s OK. I want him to know it is him, that it’s always been him. I want him.

I see the worry in his face dissipate into a calm knowing. I can feel he has the same questions I do. I answer him with a kiss. I move my hips again to try to move him inside of me, but he pulls back again to look at me.

“Sam, I,” and I press my index finger to his lips.

“I know. We can talk later,” I whisper to him.

I watch his eyes as he moves a hand between us and guides himself inside of me. I can feel myself opening up to make room for him. He slowly moves himself in and out of me, more and more of him enters me with each press. I feel myself surrounding him and my body welcomes him home.

I feel my eyes widen, and I feel the vibration of his grunt through our chests as he presses more of himself into me. He never takes his eyes off of me. His eye contact is erotic to me, and yet soothing and comforting.

“You are so beautiful,” I hear him say. 

I cannot get enough of him inside of me. I cannot count the number of nights I have had this dream. But this is real. My skin is against his, he is inside of me, moving, rubbing, caressing. 

He is cradled between my legs. I hear and feel him grunt again as he slowly moves his hips as close to me as he can get. He places his lips on my neck as he buries himself deep inside of me. I feel and hear him exhale, mouth open, teeth gently on my neck. 

All I feel is him. He is on me. He is around me. He is in me. And there is nothing more I want right now.

He raises up on his elbows, and places his arms on either side of my body. He looks down at me, and I see the passion and desire he has for me. He stills himself inside of me, like he is trying to make the moment last.

I reach a hand up and I touch his face. I give him a smile. 

“Hi,” he whispers.

I run my hand around to the back of his head, and gently caress him with my fingers.

“Hi,” I whispered back, giving him a smile.

“You OK?” he asks me softly. 

He is always thinking of other people. Even now, with nothing else left between us, he is thinking of me. 

I feel him slide himself out of me a little bit, and gently thrust back into me. He takes my breath away, and I see him get a smirk on his face. He knows exactly what he is doing.

So I raised my hips up very quickly, feeling our pelvises touch. I smile a devious smirk back to him.

“I’m very good, _sir_ ,” I said in a sinful whisper.

I feel him grunt in approval. 

He kisses me deep, and starts a slow rhythm in and out of me. My hands move to his ass and I try to pull him even more inside of me than he already is. He feels so good. I need this man in my life. 

He starts to move faster, and after a while I’m teetering on a second orgasm, which has never happened to me before. He takes his arm and hooks it under one of my knees out to the side, which moves my hips at a higher angle. He is able to drive deeper and harder into me. 

I raise my other leg and hold my knee out with my hand. I feel the friction of his body on my clit with every pulse from his hips. I am very vocal when he makes me come again.

I see him watching me as I come. My orgasm grabs him and I can feel him move even faster now. He is needing to find his release. 

I can feel and hear our flesh move together as his rhythm becomes erratic. With a few more fast thrusts, I watch him empty himself inside of me. The sounds he makes as he comes fills me with a happiness I’ve not felt before. He slows himself down, and releases my leg. He raises up on both hands to look down on me. He continues to slowly rock inside of me as we both recover.

He leans down to kiss me, and puts all of his weight on top of me. I don’t mind. I need this. He rests his head in my neck, and kisses me softly. I run my hands up and down his back, and I close my eyes and remember what it was like to be loved by him.

Then I hear it. I don’t know if he wanted to say it or not, but it’s out there now, and I don’t know how to reply.

“I love you,” I hear him whisper into my neck.

His words hit my soul, and I’m dancing again. We lay silently together long enough that I feel him slip out of me as he becomes flaccid. I have never experienced this level of intimacy before with anyone else. Not that there have been many. 

I wrap my arms around him. My legs are intertwined with his, and I caress his lower legs with my feet. I continue to hold him, still not replying to his affirmation of love. I am not wanting any of this to end. But we have work tomorrow. I think he can feel a change in my body. He lifts his head again and gazes into my eyes.

“Stay tonight,” he says, looking down into my soul.

“Yes. Of course. I want to,” I say, hoping he understands the afterglow part is important to me. 

He smiles. I want to see that smile for the rest of my life.

“This doesn’t have to change anything at work, sir,” I say, with my hands on his sides.

“Jack. It’s Jack. When we are in bed, I’m Jack,” he said, laughing, and I can feel his laughter between my legs. “And this does change everything, I think you know that. But we’ll just be careful. We can do this,” he says confidently.

I smile up at him, and put my hand behind his head and pull him down for a kiss. As I kiss him, a small sense of fear grabs my heart. This does change everything. All of it. I push that down for now. I want to remember the wonderful parts of tonight.

“OK, Jack,” I say, annunciating his name, “but, I’m going to need a shower because you are starting to drip out of me,” I whisper, eliciting another laugh from him.

“Right. OK, let’s go.”

He kisses me once more. He is a very passionate and caring lover. My needs come first with him. And oh my god, those fingers. Underneath that trained killer is a very gentle and loving man. 

We share a shower and wash each other slowly. This time I touch him gently. I watch my hands as they wash him, caressing him as I cover him with soap. We kiss some more and I watch as he takes in my body with his eyes. 

He tells me I’m beautiful again. And I start to believe him. 

We got out of the shower and dried off. He hands me one of his t-shirts that I can sleep in. I wave it off and tell him that I want to sleep with his skin next to mine. He smiles at me and I swear I saw him twitch at my reply.

We climbed back into his bed and he envelops me from behind. I press my back and hips into him, and feel his arms holding me tight. I need him. 

“Jack,” I say. I hear him rumble his reply through my back. “I would love to go to the cabin with you.”

I feel him squeeze me just a little closer to his body.

“Good. I’m glad,” he says.

As my mind begins to fade away for the night, I press back one more time into his body. I’m touching him from my neck to my calves. He is so warm. And then I let him know.

“I love you, too,” I whisper into the night. My only reply is a kiss to the back of my head. 

I have not slept as soundly or as peacefully as I did that night in his arms.


End file.
